*Sigh* – part 2

Wednesday 04 June 2008 @ 11:58 PM

Current mood: gloomy

SO

I found this really neat blog that some person posted up, ’bout heartache or something along those lines. This is what they wrote:

it was a dark and stormy night…

People often say that “the pen is mightier than the sword” (see wikipedia).

I have always liked this idea, and for me it always meant something positive, like that words could fix stuff that sheer violence couldn’t, or that talking could nudge your way to something that is too delicate and subtle to be approached by rough, practical means.

As it so happens, I was dead wrong.

This morning it hit me, or maybe I should say… it slashed me, like a pin piercing a voodoo doll or a dagger ripping your heart open. Words can hurt much much more than a slap in your face or a stab in the back for that matter. A physical wound will eventually heal, leaving a scar as a reminiscence. After some time, it will stop bleeding. But when your feelings are bruised and your soul (your heart) is shattered to pieces, there is no mending. You can try to forget, but whenever you go back there and think back to whatever happened, it will always hurt. It will never ever stop bleeding.

No… the heart is not a resilient organ. Mine especially, I’m afraid.

I came across this blog randomly today. I thought it was interesting. And then I thought to myself, “Wow. That’s exactly how I feel.”

Why does it have to hurt so much? I don’t freakin’ KNOW. I’ve often heard this analogy that relates to forgiveness and grudge-holding, of how you’re holding a hot rod of iron in your hand. This is meant to represent the hurt that someone’s caused you. And notice how it’s burning? But you keep thinking ’bout the situation, the experience, the fact that someone you love hurt you so much… you keep holding on to the hot iron rod.

But sometimes, that person doesn’t know they’ve hurt you. Or maybe they do. But you don’t wanna forgive them. Or you’ve already forgiven them, but it just hurts so much that having a conversation with them is awkward now. You keep holding on to the burning iron rod.

And every time they tell you something ’bout their “new life”, the things that they’ve been getting up to since that day they hurt you, how even though you made them so damn happy, and you’d be the one to make them happy forever, they’ve found someone else… And that person makes them happy now, that other person is now the center of their focus, that other person is the very same person that you were jealous of, and you were so scared that they’d take your special someone away from you…

You even told him you were scared you’d lose him. You even told him how you were jealous of that person.

But after ending it all with you, he still goes with her anyway.

And you begin to wonder if he ever took “you and him” seriously. You wonder if maybe, just maybe, his mind was overtaken by infatuation, and he was just in a mindset the whole time, and he thought things would last, so he said what he told you what he was thinking, because he thought what he was doing was right, and he thought you were the one.

Why do people do that? Why do people let themselves be carried away in the moment, and make decisions and do things that they might not be absolutely certain about? Why do we constantly put our trust in things of this world, because we know that there’s a greater purpose, greater meaning behind it, and just end up finding that people, humans, have corrupted it and twisted it in a way that suits them?

Why?

I keep asking myself that. Why am I still waiting? Why do I still want things to be how they used to be? Why do I let myself stay up every damn night to wait for a “Hi Danica, I’ve missed you so much. How was your day? Did you get up to anything interesting?” Why do I keep hoping that I won’t have to hear about “her” ever again? Why do I keep wishing that he would just take me back? Why do I keep wishing that my dreams that once came true will remain true, and not fade away with everything else?

Maybe ’cause I promised him. I signed my promises with “forever”, every single time. I told him that I don’t lie. And I don’t. I told him what my heart felt. I told him what my head screamed. I told him my every feeling, emotion, thought, wish, dream, fantasy. I told him everything. I gave him everything. He kept it safe and warm. He protected it, and he checked up on it every day. Never reluctantly, always willingly.

But then, just as willingly, just as quickly, just as voluntarily, happily, as gladly as he took everything up in his arms and called it for himself, he gave it all up. He let it fall to the ground. He just let go.

So much hurt. So much pain. So much emotional scarring. So much heartache. So much anger, rage, fury, irritation, aggravation, exasperation. Such a tight grip on the hot, burning iron rod.

Yet, I still don’t wanna let go.

Funny though, I recently heard Leona Lewis’ song, Better In Time. It’s my profile song now. I listened to the lyrics and wondered to myself if IT will get better in time. I think it will. Maybe. I still think ’bout him everyday. I wonder if he knows, if he thinks about it. If he still even thinks about me. If he still cares. ‘Cause he promised forever, too.

I waited. It came. I still waited. It took me and swept me off my feet, and at first, I reluctantly held on. But eventually, I became attached and refused to let go. And just when it got so, so good, when the roller coaster was reaching the peak of the ride, he let go, and the roller coaster plummeted down the tracks, to the bottom, where the ride was meant to end.

I’m not sure if I even care anymore. I would definitely get back on the roller coaster when the opportunity comes around, but I don’t even think that chance is gonna head my way anymore. I still wanna wait for it though. I probably shouldn’t, but I’m going to.

It hurts like hell. Sometimes, I physically hurt myself, like punch a wall really, really hard, and the physical pain overrides the emotional, and I cry less ’bout the heartache. That’s always worked in the past. This time ’round, it just doesn’t work. But then this time, I’ve cried harder than I have in the past about anything. And I mean ANYTHING.

So, what now? I’m trying to let go of the rod. I really am. But do you know how heat melts things, and when something melts, it melts into any object it has come into contact with? Kinda like candle wax. And the dripping wax becomes a part of the candlestick that it’s sitting on. And it’s hard to get it off later once it’s hardened. I think the rod has melted it’s way onto my hand. Into? Onto. One of them. But it’s getting harder to let go. Or is it? I don’t want to let go. *Sigh*

Thought I couldn’t live without you.
It’s gonna hurt when it heals, too.
It’ll all get better in time.
Even though I really love you, I’m gonna smile ’cause I deserve to.
It’ll all get better in time.

How could I turn on the TV without something that’ll remind me?
Was it all that easy to just put aside your feelings?
If I’m dreaming, don’t wanna let it hurt my feelings.
But that’s the past – I believe it.
And I know time will heal it.

If you didn’t notice – well, you mean everything.
Quickly, I’m learning, turn up again, all I know is I will be okay.

Since there’s no more you and me,
it’s time I let you go so I can be free and live my life how it should be.
No matter how hard it is, I’ll be fine without you.

Let’s see where this new ride will take me.