Baring my heart.

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.

Month: May, 2009

Lesson of the Day

(More like a lesson that I’ve been learning the past several months, but I only realised this barely 2 minutes ago.)

Dwelling on the past causes more pain
than when you were living in it as the present.

When it was the present, you were numb to the whole situation. You were oblivious to everything around you. You were deaf and blind, and none of your senses were working to their full potential. They still work, but not as well as they should be.

However, once it’s passed and you’ve (apparently) moved on, you look back on what you went through, it seems to hurt so much more. Why?

You’d think that because you’re not in that situation anymore, the pain would dissipate quickly. But, you see, while the band-aid keeps the germs and the dirt away and out of the cut on your arm, that cut will not heal properly unless you wash it and expose it to oxygen.

Likewise, your heart will keep hurting if you try to nurse the wounds with kind words, hugs and kisses, comforting anecdotes and fake smiles. Let God breathe on you. Only He can bring you healing. And only His Word can restore your soul.

When you look back on your past, you are finally able to see all the pain and suffering you went through while in that (or those) situation(s). You tend to feel sorry for yourself, which is why even though you’ve “let go and moved on,” it still hurts like hell. It’s not supposed to hurt, right? You’ve moved on. You’ve let go. Why are you experiencing unbearable pain?

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Taking the first step

Lately, I’ve been struggling to take the first step forward in a particular aspect of my life. I wrote in a previous blog about this desire to move forward, but I’ve since realised that not only is my courage not at the same level as my determination, but taking a step forward is not as easy as I initially thought.

I kept asking God to give me courage, and to reveal to me why I was so determined, yet so terrified. I couldn’t understand why one moment I was whispering out loud, “You can do this, Danica,” and the next moment I was in a panic and my heart was beating as if it would pop right out of my chest.

For a while now, Nickelback’s If Today Was Your Last Day has been stuck in my head, with no intention of getting out. I was listening to this song in the car, and the line “That first step you take is the longest stride” stuck out at me, while God silently whispered, Horses. I stopped dead in my tracks (not literally of course, otherwise I would’ve caused several collisions) as my curiosity was brought to an end.

Have you ever seen a newborn foal (baby horse) walk for the very first time? Being a four-legged creature, it depends a lot on its legs. It needs to learn how to walk, trot, canter and gallop, just as we need to learn how to walk, speak, read and write. Horses don’t have a way of carrying their young, like how kangaroos have pouches, so a foal has to learn how to walk pretty much as soon as it is born.

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On the wings of eagles

The year of 2008 was, for Generation FRESH, the year of being Unlimited. It was about having no restrictions, being boundless, and living unrestrained lives for our God. But throughout the year, we found that it was difficult to be more than what we already were, especially when we tried to do it on our own. It was difficult to live unlimited lives when, as humans, we had so many limits.

By the end of the year, we realised that God wasn’t trying to teach us how to be unlimited, but that he was trying to show us how big he was and how small we were compared to him. He was teaching us that he is larger than any of our circumstances, and that we couldn’t be unlimited unless we understood how limited we were.

Even now I’m still learning my limits. I keep trying to do things my own way, and God lets me get far enough to get bruised, just to teach me a lesson. I think it’s my fault for trying to be independent.

I think today was a bit of a turning point. I say “a bit” because I had the opportunity to take another step forward, but instead, I shied away and thought too much about how wide my stride should be, instead of just putting my foot forward. However, today was a turning point because of something that God was whispering to me during church today. Today’s message didn’t hit me much, but during the altar call I knew God had sent me a wake up call.

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